


Home Sweet Home

by Whiitewolf



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26208325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiitewolf/pseuds/Whiitewolf
Summary: JJ suffers a horrific encounter in the 'safety' of her own home. This is a story of pain, hope and recovery. Follow JJ as she struggles to put the past behind her and start over.WARNING: While there are no detailed descriptions, there are mentions of noncon in here, and some descriptions of torture. Mostly started this fic as a way to cope on FanFiction.net originally, and it ended up getting a lot of interest, so I'm working on it again.There are no non-canon ships in here.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: I started this fic a long time ago when I was working through some stuff. I ended up abandoning it. I have 4 chapters so far, and I got stuck because I didn't know where to go in healing because I hadn't learned that myself.  
> I have since made a lot my own progress through the multiple years of trauma I experienced and intend to finish this fic.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. 
> 
> I also started a General Writing Prompts forum on FanFiction.net and if you have an account over there, I'd appreciate if you checked it out! There are ways to get reviews and etc. Link is on my profile.

"Why do I have to be here?" JJ asked, her tone strangely quiet. In her frustration, her eyes scanned the room quickly, taking everything in from the colour of the walls, to the plasters on the above the shelves. Her heart hammered nervously in her chest. The fear. Why was it here? It wasn't welcome.

"It's mandatory that you go through these assessments if you hope to go back to work," Dr. Kyte told her calmly. She pushed her glasses, that had fallen down her nose slightly, back up to where they belonged. On her lap perched a book where she wrote down notes that JJ wasn't allowed to see.

The frustration grew in JJ's voice with every scribble the pen made. "I'm fine. I'm ready to go back."

"You've been through a terrible ordeal. You, having worked with the FBI for many years, know we must go through this. It'll go a lot quicker if you co-operate," Dr. Kyte said, repeating herself for the 4th time, though her voice remained calm as always.

"Well, where do we start?" JJ said, her tone rising a bit. She'd do anything to get this over with.

"Where do you want to start?" Dr. Kyte said, not giving JJ the answer she wanted.

JJ's jaw twitched in annoyance. Why wouldn't anyone listen to her when she said she was fine? She was strong and she shouldn't have to be here.

"Are you always this irritated?"

The question broke JJ out of the small trance she'd been in. "I'm not irritated," she argued, though a part of her knew it was useless. Her eyes flickered over to the shelf full of books as Dr. Kyte began scribbling some more notes down and JJ sighed. This was going to be a long process, and she just wished she could skip to the end step. She wanted to go back to work, she wanted to be left alone to deal with this and most of all... She just wanted to forget any of this had ever happened and move on with her life. If only it were that simple...

* * *

Throwing her purse on the table in her frustration, JJ walked up the stairs to check on Henry. The pounding in her chest didn't stop until she caught sight of him harmlessly playing with his blocks, and Garcia sitting on the couch watching him closely.

"Everything go all right?" JJ questioned, looking over at her friend.

"A perfect angel," Garcia responded, giving Henry a quick wink. "Are you feeling okay?" Garcia had caught sight of the expression on JJ's face.

Within seconds, a smile had appeared and JJ nodded. "I'm fine, really," she lied, hoping Penelope wouldn't catch on to her tone, though that didn't seem likely. "How much do I owe you?"

"JJ, you know I don't expect anything." Garcia didn't voice her suspicions or worries, but she longed to reach out to hug her friend.

JJ shrugged. "I know."

Chewing her lip in worry, Garcia examined JJ quickly. She'd been through a terrible ordeal. But it appeared her friend wanted to be alone, and no matter how much she wanted to help her she respected how JJ felt.

"I best be going," Garcia spoke up much to JJ's relief.

"Thanks again," JJ said, moving to allow Garcia to leave.

"Any time." She met JJ's eyes again, trying to convey the meaning. And JJ understood. Garcia would be there for her any time, anywhere. Though, in the moment it didn't matter.

_"What do you want?" she hissed, the anger in her eyes evident._

_"That remains to be seen," the masked man insisted, watching her carefully. Both his partners stood to the side, a bit behind him. JJ frantically searched their expression, their body language and their tone. But her profiler instincts could only help her so much in this situation. How could she admit it? She was helpless. Her gun was in the other room and they were armed. She couldn't risk taking them with Henry here._

_The tears welled up. She refused to cry. But the fear... The fear of losing Henry. Her chest tightened. Oh, how it hurt._

_"Please don't hurt him," she begged, not stopping to think on what to say. All professionalism went out the window as she began to fear for her son's life and her own._

_"That all depends on you," the harsh voice sneered._

_She'd sworn to protect him. She'd sworn to never let any harm come to him and yet here she stood, frozen, unable to do anything but listen. Unable to hug him, to even run to him. And despite what was to come, this was the worst torture she'd ever have to endure... Feeling helpless to protect her son from harm, not able to fulfil her duty to him. It broke her heart in ways only a mother could imagine._

JJ scooped the water up to splash lightly on her face. Refusing to look at her reflection, she dabbed it away with the cloth. For a split second, she met her own gaze in the mirror and immediately she turned away. This girl wasn't her. The girl looking back at her... Where had she gone? Had a part of her died that night?

Not bothering to look up again, she walked down the hallway, pausing only for a second to check in on Henry whom slept peacefully on his bed. Soon enough she was in the comfort of her own room, though it didn't seem so comforting any more. Taking a quick breath, she crawled onto her bed where she slipped under the covers and flicked the lamp off.

What had happened to her? She was strong. It wasn't supposed to hurt like this. She was supposed to bounce back, like always. So why did her eyes well up? And why did tears threaten to fall?

"I'm okay," she whispered, clinging to her blanket much like a child. The silence both calmed and terrified her as she could hear each shaky breath she took. "I am okay." The repetition did little for her, and instead she felt herself falling apart. The act she put on for her team, for Henry... It all crumbled in those moments. "I'm okay," she repeated again her voice cracking. Still, the tears wanted to spill.

"I'm okay," she said in one last effort and this time, they fell. With each trembling gasp, the tears fell to soak her pillow, and she felt like she was suffocating. She squeezed her eyes shut, and allowed them to fall. No one was here to see her weakness. No one but her. And maybe, maybe that was okay.


	2. Baby Steps

Her heart pounded within her chest as her eyes fluttered open. She'd had yet another one. The nightmares had plagued her sleep for weeks now... Ever since it had all happened... Swallowing nervously, JJ sat up, still shaking constantly. Her blue eyes flickered to the clock on her bedside. Four AM. _  
_

"Okay," she spoke aloud quietly, reaching up to rub her eyes. It was obvious she wouldn't be getting back to sleep. Defeated, she got to her feet and began the long journey down the hall. Fumbling for the light in the bathroom, she yawned. Once in, she immediately turned the water on and began scooping it up in her hands to splash on her flushed face. The feeling of being refreshed came almost instantly and she sighed in relief. Already the nightmare was pushed to the back of her mind.

Therapy. She had therapy in four hours. Out of habit, she peered into Henry's room and like every other time, she sighed in relief when she saw him sleeping soundly, his little chest rising with every breath.

* * *

_She hadn't had time to react when she heard the glass shatter. The first thought that came to mind was 'Henry.' She was in between her room and his room... Her gun was in her bedroom. Could she make it? Her FBI instinct told her that was where to go, but her motherly instinct was a whole other story... There was no chance to try for either option because it was then the hard blow hit her head and she fell to her knees. The world began to spin and darken and it took mere seconds for her to crumble to the floor._

* * *

Shaking, JJ added some more sugar to her coffee as she waited for Taylor to get here. Taylor was an 18 year old University student in the area who sometimes watched Henry for her. The knock at the door startled her, and the spoon clattered to the floor.

Taking a deep breath, JJ made sure to compose herself and walked over to open the door. A fear caught her in the chest, and she froze briefly. They still hadn't caught the guys, and she was so sure any day they'd be back to finish her off. It took her awhile, and she peered out the window to be sure of who it was.

A relieved sigh escaped her, and she opened the door to allow the smiling red head to enter the room.

"He still sleeping?" she asked cheerfully, trying not to stare too much at JJ, whom reminded her much of a zombie at this point.

JJ nodded wordlessly. "Garcia should be here in about four hours, I'll give her some money to give to you."

"That's fine," Taylor said, setting her bag down on the counter.

Though she had her shoes on and was ready to go out the door, JJ froze. It was so hard for her to leave Henry... alone. If she was here, she could protect him.

"Arm the alarm once I leave," JJ said quietly, grabbing her purse off the coat stand.

"Of course," Taylor agreed, nodding trying to give her client a reassuring smile. She didn't know exact details of what happened, but she knew something had happened and if it hadn't been on the news, that an FBI Agent had been attacked in her own home, she'd have known by the difference in Jennifer's personality.

"And make sure to check before letting Penelope in."

"Of course. You don't have to worry. He's safe with me," Taylor said, giving JJ another smile.

JJ forced a smile back before stepping out of the door. She waited for a moment to be sure she heard the locks click and to hear the beeping of the buttons as Taylor set the alarm system up.

"Okay, here goes," she said ready to get into another painful therapy session.

* * *

_"Wake up," the voice told her harshly._

_She forced her eyes open and the light caused her to become aware of the pounding pain in her head almost instantly._

_"What do you want?" JJ demanded, the anger in her tone nearly causing the intruders to shrink back, but they weren't easily frightened and definitely not by a small blonde woman._

_"That remains to be seen."_

_As they turned her over, a relief almost set in. All three men were wearing masks. They were protecting their identity. Which could only mean that they didn't intend to kill her. However, she was careful to realize that this didn't mean they wouldn't. And Henry... There were three men. One of them was a heavier set man, with a plain black ski mask. One was a muscled man, wearing a green mask. A part of her told her this was the leader and the last man stood off to the side, wearing a grey mask and he appeared to be quite small and he was refusing to meet her eyes._

_"Where's my son?" she snapped, trying to sit up._

_A sharp blow to her ribs knocked the breath out of her and she collapsed again._

_"That's for us to know, and you to find out. He's safe, for now." The man was careful to add on the last bit and JJ got the message. She had to do what they said, or they'd hurt Henry._

_"Please don't hurt him," she begged, the fear for his life making it difficult to breath._

_"That all depends on you," the harsh voice responded, a hint of amusement in his voice._

_"Are you ready to listen?" another one of the intruder's asked._

_Feeling completely lost, vulnerable and helpess, JJ nodded._

* * *

"You must have been terrified," Dr Kyte started off, giving the Agent a sympathetic glance.

"I was," JJ said, being careful to put emphasis on the _was_ part.

"You don't have to lie to me here, Agent Jareau. This is where it's safe for you to tell me these things. I can assure you that acknowledging you're still afraid after such a traumatic event is not going to keep you out of work. However, if you continue to lie to me and not co-operate that very well may."

A part of JJ froze, and her eyes shot towards the clock on the wall. Another fifty minutes of this...

"Why is the Bureau taking this all so seriously all of a sudden? Is this because of what happened with Elle?" JJ asked, crossing her arms defensively.

"You're trying to keep the conversation off yourself which is not a valuable use of our time," Dr Kyte said with a frown. "The Bureau has always taken such cases seriously. You've been through a terrible ordeal, and I'm here to help you. Yes, it is my job to give progress reports but I can assure you that my goal remains the same. I want to help you."

Her voice cracked slightly, and her chin trembled. "I couldn't scream."

"You mean you were paralysed with fear? " Dr. Kyte inquired after a few moments of silence.

"No," JJ broke off again. "They wouldn't let me."

* * *

_"That's right. Because you're going to do exactly as we say," the heavier intruder said, the small, mocking laugh in his tone causing the anger to rise in her chest, temporarily pushing the fear to the side._

_"We're going to do whatever we want to you, and you're not going to make a sound," the one with the green mask said with a grin._

_The heavier man left the room briefly and returned holding Henry. "If you scream, your son gets hurt. One scream and he gets cut. A second time, and we break his arm. The third time and you'll never find his body..." He let his voice trail off to get the emphasis through, and JJ swallowed._

_She hadn't intended to scream, she knew it'd get her nowhere but that's when she saw the knife... They intended to torture her. "I understand," she said softly. "But please take him out of here, he doesn't need to see this."_

_"You're right," said the leader, forcing a false sympathetic tone. "No one deserves to see their mother sliced up. Take the boy back to his room and tie him to the bed."_

_"He's only a child," JJ objected._

_"Can't take any risks, love," the leader spoke again, running the knife softly against her cheek. JJ held her breath as the knife made its way, without leaving a mark, down her side before reaching her hip and that's when the cold blade pierced her. Tears now flowed freely down her cheeks as she struggled not to make a single sound as the burning hot pain made itself known._

* * *

"JJ!" Garcia's voice called out. JJ heard the familiar clunking of heels walking towards her.

She closed her eyes. After having finished her session with Dr. Kyte, she just wanted to go home. She was sick of being made out to be a victim. It felt like a lie. As if she was somehow at fault for what had happened, and to be called a victim when it was her fault? It was wrong. It was sick.

Some part of her knew this wasn't logical, as she'd had this conversation with many 'victims' in her career. She told them it wasn't their fault, and it was true, it wasn't. So, why did it feel like for her it was her fault? There was no real answer, but she knew the feeling of shame overwhelmed her. She was sick of the sympathy, the concerned looks... She was sick of being treated like she might crumble or fall apart any second.

"Hey," she finally responded, forcing as much cheerfulness as she could into her voice.

"How are you doing?" she asked, having caught up to her at last.

JJ winced. Once again, made out to be a broken victim. She knew Garcia meant well, but what she needed was normalcy. "Well, I'd be doing a lot better if the coffee here had a bit more flavour," JJ tried to joke, gesturing with her half full cup.

Garcia fought back the urge to sigh, JJ knew what she was asking and she was avoiding it. But, if she wasn't ready to be honest with her... "Well, how about getting some real coffee?

"Oh, I think I'm busy, sorry." JJ had a hard time meeting her friend's eyes. She felt guilty, but really, she didn't want to be around her. She didn't want to be around anyone.

"I haven't even suggested a date yet," Garcia said accusingly.

"It's just a busy week, and having to find a sitter for Henry, and..."

"I'll meet you at your place at four." And with that, Penelope walked away. She'd have given her friend a reassuring hug, and in fact, the urge to was overwhelming but she knew JJ didn't like anyone near her as of late, and she understood why. But she couldn't help hoping that this would all pass. JJ wasn't the same, and maybe she would never be.

* * *

_She didn't know why she was going along with this. Well, in all honestly, she did. Henry. She was trying to do what was best for Henry. However, she didn't expect to survive this. These guys couldn't honestly want to torture her and let her and Henry go... Her eyes darted towards the clock. She was cursing Will's night shifts right about now._

_"He's not due home for another four hours. We have a lot of time," the bigger man said, watching her face closely. So they'd clearly been doing research on her... How had she been stalked and not known? She was supposed to be an FBI Profiler..._

_Having been distracted by the clock, JJ was taken by surprise when the knife entered her again, digging a nice, clean cut in her leg. A scream nearly slipped out, but she stifled it. She tried to ignore the grin of the man doing it._

_"My, you are a quiet one."_

_No reaction. JJ didn't give him the satisfaction, though her chin trembled, she managed to hide it well enough. It didn't seem to matter, these guys were enjoying this too much. Clearly sadists, but what were her chances of survival? What were Henry's? Did she try and stop them and risk everything, or did she comply and risk everything? She feared whatever she did would lead to regrets, and all she wanted to do was keep Henry safe._

_His stubby fingers dug themselves into her wound, smearing the blood all over her leg. Then he took his hand to touch her face, staining it red. "Red really is your colour you know."_

_All she could do was close her eyes._

* * *

The knock at the door startled her. It wasn't near four. It was only two. Was it Garcia? JJ peered through the blinds. No. No it definitely wasn't.

"Will," she said hesitantly, opening the door slightly. JJ took a few breaths, before trying to look composed. This fear, it wasn't logical. Why was she experiencing it? Well, she knew why but it wasn't logical.

"JJ," he replied, smiling at her. "Is Henry home?"

Somehow, JJ nodded. She hadn't seen him much. Not since the attack. She wasn't sure where they were, and couldn't bring herself to care right now. The hurt on his face was causing the guilt in her to overwhelm her more than she'd like. She'd made him leave. She couldn't have him around. It gave her an uncomfortable feeling to be around any males, even ones she trusted. She hated it. She hated how it affected her. What was this? Post traumatic stress? This wasn't supposed to happen to her. It was crucial she be strong, but she wasn't being that right now...

Will reached out as if to touch her shoulder, but he withdrew his hand before she'd had a chance to flinch. He didn't know what to do, but he just hoped that soon enough he could come home and her and him could work through this together. She'd let him know when she was ready... He was careful not to get too close to her, but he walked by to get inside to see Henry.

"Actually, I just hired a baby-sitter to come in a couple hours, but if you want to take him for the night?" JJ's voice trailed off, and she struggled to meet his eyes.

"That sounds good," Will told her, though a part of him wondered why she hadn't just called him in the first place. It seemed he was an after thought, and he wasn't sure what to think about that.

"Great. I'll give her a call then," JJ said, turning to walk up the stairs to finish getting ready. Going out? She wasn't sure this was the right thing for her but anyone that knew Garcia, knew how hard it was to say no to her.

"Great," Will repeated. He looked over to see Henry sitting on the living room couch, and he turned and watched JJ disappear before walking over to his son.

Will was downstairs. That though alone caused JJ to be so distracted she almost left the house with make up on only one eye. She felt guilty. She missed him. She still loved him. A mixture of things, and all of them lead to the uncomfortable feeling she had about him being so near to her.

The light sound of little footsteps eased her nerves. Henry came running in, arms outstretched looking for a hug from his mother before he left. There was no hesitation, she obliged, even holding on a bit longer than Henry had expected. He squirmed in her arms, anxious to go and go with his dad to the park.

"Have fun," JJ called after him. And then that was it. Silence. The memories this house held, aggravated her and caused the tightening of her throat she'd been used to as of late.

The once familiar feeling of feeling safe, at ease in her own home, had taken a leave. And it didn't appear to be coming back anytime soon.

* * *

_"I think she likes it," the big guy said, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. He sighed in content, tasting the saltiness of her tears. Though she'd tried, the fear had overwhelmed her. She was out there, saving lives, almost every day and here she was feeling like she couldn't even save herself or Henry._

_'Think, JJ, think,' she thought, trying to profile these guy as quickly as she could. Maybe there were things she could say, or do. She had to save Henry, even if she couldn't save herself. It was hard to focus, now that they'd grown bored of slicing her with the knife. Instead, they were using a lighter._

_She nearly cried out as they tried to pull her night shirt over her head. She froze, using all the strength she could muster to keep herself clothed, to keep herself hidden as best she could._

_"If you're not willing to entertain us, then perhaps your son is," the leader said. His grin revealed his yellow teeth, and JJ was too afraid to even be disgusted. What else was she to do? She stopped. Maybe she could go somewhere else. In her head, that's what she had to do._

_The sharp pain in her sides brought her back down to earth. They didn't intend to be gentle. They were out for pain. They were out for pleasure. To them, she was just an object for their use. She fought back her tears so much that her throat ached._

_There was nothing she could do. She was helpless. Vulnerable. Instead of being the Agent, the savior to many victims, she was them. She was just like them. And this thought destroyed her in a way their knives could never accomplish._

_"Remember," one of the men told her, getting her attention. He put his fingers to his lips, "shhh."_

* * *

Don't scream? That had be the rule. To never scream. The pain they'd inflicted, emotional, physical... Mental.

The scars they'd given her. They'd taken her life from her. They may not have killed her, but a part of her died that night regardless.

Don't scream? Despite the pain, she'd never yelled. But the pain now was great, her chest tightened, the tears threatened to spill. And she did. Finally, after all this time, she screamed. She collapsed on her bed, throwing her brush to the ground. And she let it all out, sobbing into her pillow.


	3. Chapter 3

The cold water splashed her face. As she examined herself in the mirror, she was again left with a feeling of disconnect. The girl didn't look like her. Her throat felt so tight. How often had she comforted the victims as a part of her job? How often had she told them it wasn't their fault? She finally understood. She finally understood the shame. The guilt. She felt dirty. She felt disgusting. As she looked at her face, she shook slightly. One of them had touched her face, he'd tasted her tears. She reached for the bar of soap, and began wetting her face down. She cleaned her face, despite having just washed it, in a useless attempt to try and cleanse herself of him.

Tears fell again as she glanced down. They'd touched her everywhere. She had to leave, but... She turned to and put the water on for the bath. She'd try again. To feel clean, to erase them. How long until her body would feel like her own again?

* * *

_The sound of the belt buckle was recognized even with her eyes squeezed shut. "Please," she pleaded again. "Please, you don't have to do this. It's not too late."_

_"That's not screaming, but you're pushing it blondie," the leader told her._

_The tears began to fall._

_"I like it when my women cry," he said in a softer tone reaching to stroke her in a comforting manner. She pulled her head away, and his fist collided with her face. "I suggest you behave."_

_A sinking feel reached her stomach. Henry must be terrified, so why couldn't she hear him? Any young child would be crying, screaming. Was he? No... They'd worn masks. Obviously they didn't plan to kill them both. That didn't mean they wouldn't if it went wrong, but she tried to reassure herself by convincing herself they'd gagged him. It made her feel sick. She was hoping her son was gagged, but it was better than the alternative._

_He reached for her underwear now. A scream nearly escaped her lips. And she struggled again. She couldn't help it. Her heart beat in her chest, and it was painful. The man motioned for the help of his allies, and they came forward to hold her down. As he cut the underwear off her, he smirked._

_"There. That wasn't so hard now, was it?"_

* * *

She'd just finished getting ready, and was about to leave the house. She didn't know which was worse. Being home, and afraid? Or being out? Neither seemed appealing.

Normally the drive seemed too long, but today, the drive to the BAU seemed to go by too quickly. Before she knew it, she was parked in the underground parking and getting into the elevator.

She didn't know what prompted it, but instead of going straight to the therapist's office, she stopped on the floor her team was on.

There was a small feeling of comfort when she heard the excited, 'JJ!'

Emily. What she liked the most was though she could see her friend's longing to hug her, she respectfully kept her distance. Much like Garcia.

"Hey Em," JJ said giving her friend a genuine smile.

The others must have heard her name because the others soon joined them. The worry in their faces was both comforting and frustrating.

"We miss you," Reid told her as he, too, kept his distance. There were great benefits to having a group of friends that specialized in profiling. On the plus, it meant they could tell when she needed space quite easily. None of them reached forward to hug her which would seem appalling to her mother. None of them hounded her with calls, much like her friends she'd made at Henry's daycare. On the less appealing side, it also meant she couldn't hide anything from them.

"I miss you guys, too," she replied. And it was true. She felt a huge rush of emotion as she looked at her team. Emily, Rossi, Morgan, Reid, Garcia and Hotch.

They all expressed how they hoped she'd be back soon, and that she was doing well. But for the most part, it was silence. That was okay with her. It was nice to just see them.

* * *

_She'd tried to go somewhere else. In her head, she thought of the good things. Her first date with Will. Having Henry. But nothing could make her ignore the pain she felt. The disgust, the shame._

_"What is your problem?" he asked her. "I'm doing all the work. You get to just sit there, lie back and be hot."_

_His words sickened her. The lump in her throat grew bigger. He was tainting her. He was making her dirty._

_"Hurry up, man," the second voice spoke up. "I want a turn, too."_

_She didn't know why she had figured it'd be over when he was done. Perhaps she hadn't wanted to think about it. It felt like it wasn't going to end. She could feel the warmth of her blood as it dripped. Think of Henry. She had to. If she didn't focus on something else, she wouldn't make it out of this in one piece. Even if they let her go. She'd be broken._

_"Tell me you want it." His words took her by surprise._

_"What?"_

_"Tell me you want it."_

_What? She couldn't. She already felt so..._

_"Alright. I guess you want us to hurt your boy."_

_"I want it," she said as quickly as she could._

_"Like you mean it."_

_It was sick. It was so sick. But she did as she was told, and she'd never felt more ashamed._

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

The night out had been okay, at least until she saw a man wearing a similar jacket to one of the men who had assaulted her. The men had still not been caught. That sat with JJ, a lot. Apparently, they had been targeting women of power and her being an FBI agent had fit their profile. It made her feel sick. It was weird going home to an empty house. The loudness of the bar still echoed in her head as she threw her keys down on the counter. Henry was with Will, and she was alone.

Her hands trailed over some of her scars as she undressed. She shuddered a bit. It was so strange. She had often tried to put herself into the shoes of the victims she'd interviewed, but she had no idea how bad it was. She had no idea how much they had been enduring. Her heart had always gone out to them, but now she knew...

She sat down on the bed, and put her head in her hands. If it hadn't been for her fear for Henry, she would have struggled and screamed and done whatever she needed to get away. Even with that knowledge, she still felt ashamed. For being still, quiet and the words they'd made her say.

She picked up the journal off her dresser, the one that Dr. Kyte insisted she write out exercises in. What was the point? Was there a point? This was so frustrating, but JJ wanted to get back to her job. She needed to get back to her job. She was a middle aged woman, and also an FBI Agent, and here she was writing out feelings exercises?

With a little alcoholic courage, she took out her pen and began scribbling something down.

I feel confused. No, more than that. I feel lost. It's so hard to feel anything but numbness. It doesn't feel real. None of it feels real. I feel like I'm in a dream, no a nightmare. I feel like my body is no longer my own. I keep trying to be strong, and pushing down the feelings that surface. It's 12 am and I am scared to sleep because my dreams aren't anymore safe than being awake. They haunt my dreams. They haunt my thoughts. I can't get dressed without seeing the marks and having visions of how they were caused. I can't sleep in my own bed without waking up in a pool of sweat, sometimes crying. I can't walk in public without feeling like they're watching me. Like they're spying on me. I can't smile, or laugh. I feel weighed down.

I am numb. I am lost. I think they've broken me.

"This is a wonderful start," Dr Kyte said, pushing her glasses back up as they began to fall down her nose.

"It is?" JJ asked curiously.

"You are acknowledging your feelings, and what you are going through. You are starting to break out of denial."

"But I'm not feeling anything," JJ pointed out.

"That's just the start. Your brain does what it can to protect you, so it numbs out the feelings. The numbness is the first step, and acknowledging that numbness is step in the right direction."

"I see," JJ said leaning back into the couch. "What's the next step?"

"Healing is different for every person. There's no rule book, or one way to heal. My advice to you would be to find closure. To admit what happened to you."

"I know what happened to me," JJ said, feeling slightly defensive. "I was there."

"You do know. On some level. But you are, numb as you said. You need to admit what happened to you. And you need to accept and feel it."

"How do I find closure when they haven't even been caught?" JJ began shaking her leg, feeling an incredible amount of anxious energy with nowhere to release it.

"Healing from trauma is similar to going through the five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Except, trauma is not linear. You'll take steps forward, and steps back. You'll go through the stages in a different order sometimes, or repeat parts of it."

JJ sighed, feeling discouraged.

"It's worth it," Dr. Kyte said gently. "Healing is worth it. I know it sounds like a lot. I know that it's not fair. It's not fair at all. They did this to you and left you to pick up the pieces. It's not okay, and it's okay to admit that. It's not fair and you are allowed to be angry."

She did feel it. A little bit. Anger. It was there sometimes, buried beneath the shield of nothingness. JJ caught sight of the clock. Ten minutes to go. It was close enough. She got to her feet.

"For what it's worth, I believe you can do this."

"Thank you," JJ said forcing down the emotions that bubbled beneath the surface.

*Home Sweet Home*

Did she even know what she was talking about? Dr. Kyte liked to throw a lot of words and information at her, but did she really know? JJ too had been sympathetic, offering comfort to those that had gone through ordeals like hers. But she didn't know. She had never known. Was Dr. Kyte similar? Offering sympathies and comfort but having no idea of what she's actually talking about other than what she's read through books?

Dr. Kyte didn't know she broke down sometimes. Was that a sign of being numb? It seemed doubtful. A part of what Dr. Kyte said sounded right though. She'd break down for a few minutes at a time, and then feel nothing. Admit what happened? She knew what happened. She re-lived what happened, over and over again. But did she feel it?

JJ stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at her face. She could hardly recognize the person in the mirror. She had the same striking blue eyes she'd always had, but they were vacant. Empty. It was as if a different person was staring back. Her beautiful blonde hair was there, but it looked off. Like it had no been properly cared for lately. And her skin...

That wouldn't do. JJ reached for the moisturizer and began applying it to her face. Were her hands shaking?

It helped some, but nothing could fix the emptiness.

"I was r-"

Not quite, she couldn't get the words out. Why was it so hard? She hadn't tried to say it before. Her heart felt caught in her throat. It's a word. Just a word. Why can't you say the word?

"I was hurt," she said hesitantly. No, that wasn't it and she knew it. Come on, JJ. Prove that doctor wrong.

"I was raped."

Just a sentence, right? For a fraction of a sentence, that appeared true and then she felt it. Her chest felt like it was caving in and her legs felt like jello. Shaky breaths, shaky hands and cold sweat. Panic.

Her legs couldn't hold her and she was on the floor. Dry sobs. Hypervenilating. They were just words, right? But as the tears followed close behind, she felt it. She had ignored it for so long, but she had been raped.

Denial. Huh. Maybe the doctor had been onto something after all...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really would appreciate any comments or thoughts you guys have!

Cold showers helped. They were uncomfortable, but the coldness kept her grounded. It never occurred to her that there would be a point she couldn't have warm showers because it was too easy to fall into flashbacks and otherwise bad thoughts. The smell of the green apple shampoo soothed JJ a little. Before the attack, she'd been partial to different scents. Now, it seemed like changing small things like the scent of her shampoo, body lotion, even her car air freshener seemed to help.

It was weird running her fingers through her hair because it wasn't so long anymore. It was still beyond her shoulders, but she'd lost a lot of the length. All her profiling skills taught her that often survivors of trauma made appearance changes, and other small changes to try and have some control. Knowing this didn't stop her from going to the hair stylist because she'd taken scissors to her precious long, blonde hair.

_He inhaled her scent. "Vanilla. So sweet. One of my favourites if you wanted to know." His stubby fingers pulled at her hair. "Such beautiful hair."_

_JJ didn't say anything. The smell of blood overwhelmed her. How could he smell anything but? JJ's eyes wandered and she could see the blood stains on the blue walls... They stood out... Bright and vibrant._

_"You see, when you dress like you do... Wear your hair like you do, and smell like you do... Can you really blame a man for taking what you're selling?"_

_She ignored him again. She could feel the hot rage in her cheeks, but she didn't dare say a word. Henry was at stake. Henry. He was all that mattered. They didn't matter. Her need to defend herself didn't matter. Her anger at his disregard for women didn't matter in that moment either. Henry was what mattered. And if that meant being silent while some creeps smelled her head and pulled her hair, then so be it._

Grey sweatpants and a blank t-shirt. It was comfortable, or so she told herself. For some reason, she couldn't help but think about their comments about her clothing. She had spent years sticking up for victims. Clothing wasn't asking for it. Drinking wasn't asking for it. Teasing wasn't asking for it. So why didn't these apply to her? She hadn't been drinking, teasing or even dressing a certain way. Even if she had, it still wouldn't be her fault, so why on earth did she feel the need to dress in sweatpants? She was sure Reid could tell her. Perhaps Dr. Kyte. Hell, if she searched hard enough, there was probably some profiling skills in there that would tell her.

There wasn't a lot of time to dwell on it. Against her instincts, she'd reached out to a friend. She'd spent so much time hiding, so many weeks. There were so many moments she was pretending to be okay. The truth of it was that she was not okay. Not in the slightest. While she denied it for so long, deep down she knew that the trick to being okay was admitting she was not okay.

JJ had just finished throwing her hair in a bun when she heard the knock at the door. Will was keeping Henry for the weekend, and as much as JJ loved her son, she planned to try and make use of the time she had alone. Her heart fluttered a little nervously. Emily hadn't hesitated to drive over when she got JJ's call, but now it was time to be honest. It was time to lean on her friend that same way her friend had leaned on her when Doyle had been hunting her.

Her instincts told her to yell 'come in' because usually when she expected guests, she left the door unlocked for them. That changed now. It had definitely changed because not only was JJ unlocking the door knob but she was also pulling the deadbolt that she had installed after the events that took place.

"Hey," JJ said softly. "Thank you for coming."

"Hey," Emily said handing her a coffee she'd grabbed on the way, "It's no problem JJ, really. I am so happy you called me."

It felt awkward. Her and Emily had cried over stuff together, laughed and stayed up late talking about life. She had held Emily's hand when Emily struggled, so why did she feel a lump in her throat and an instinct to lock out one of her best friends?

"Thank you for the coffee," JJ said with a forced smile. It was thoughtful. Emily had stopped at JJ's favourite place, and JJ imagined it was just the way she liked it. Emily often did that for her when she was on her way over for some girl time. It had been a long time since the last time. JJ shuddered slightly remembering the last time was the day off her attack. Did Emily feel guilty for that? JJ hoped not, but she had to wonder. Not even a mere hour after Emily had left, they'd broken in. They'd tied Henry up, and tortured and raped her. JJ hadn't even considered how Emily might be feeling. She hadn't offered her assurances or comfort. If it were her, she'd be overwhelmed with guilt.

"It's been long overdue," Emily said, "I've really missed coming to see you." It took little effort to step out of her walked over to the couch as she often had done in the past. The room was rearranged. The couch was now in front of the window in the living room as opposed to across from it. The TV had switched walls as well. Will's leather massaging chair was nowhere in sight. Emily took in everything, attempting to swallow the lump in her throat. The room had even gone from a pale blue to a dark grey. JJ had changed everything, and Emily imagined if she walked some more throughout the house, she would find this in most of the rooms. JJ was trying to forget.

"I know. Me too," JJ said softly. She watched Emily sit on the couch, pulling her knees up like she'd always done and she sat on the opposite end like she always did, pulling her knees up too. JJ set her coffee down, and dug her fingers into her thighs.

There were a few moments of silence as each woman tried to figure out what to say before Emily finally spoke. "Tell me what you need, JJ. Do you need a distraction? If so, we can play games, go for a drive. Have a girl's night, maybe call Garcia. Or do you want to talk? Because I can do that too. I will do whatever I need to help you. I just need you to tell me how."

The silence continued as JJ debated. The distraction was tempting. They could invite Garcia. Maybe stay up late drinking hot chocolate and watching Netflix. Maybe some alcoholic drinks. They'd done it before. Several times before. They tried to have a sleepover night at least once every couple of months. Will had grown to appreciate them, often bringing them snacks and drinks. JJ missed those days. They felt like another life time.

"Truthfully, I want a distraction," JJ said, "but I _need_ to talk."

"Okay," Emily replied. "I'm here and I am listening."

JJ didn't know what to say, or where to start. There was so much. People always told her to talk about it. They always told her they were there to listen. There was no answer though. Talk about what? What did she say? What were the magic words she was supposed to say that would help heal her?

There were so many questions, and so much confusion. JJ opted for the truth. The simple truth. "I feel lost," she said, her eyes watering. "I feel so lost, Em."

It took approximately 2.5 seconds for Emily to put her own coffee down on the round side table, and reach across the couch to take JJ's hands in her own. "You're here. You're with me. You're safe, JJ."

"I don't feel safe," JJ admitted, feeling a tear fall down her cheek. That was a truth she didn't admit to anyone until now. She did not feel safe.

"That's understandable." Emily squeezed her friend's hands a bit. "You went through so much, and no one expects you to just be okay."

"I have nightmares the rare times I get some sleep, and even when I'm not sleeping... I see him."

Emily nodded. She had similar experiences. Sometimes, she still had nightmares of Doyle. Still had flashbacks and fears. "Do you want me to stay with you?" She gave JJ the same offer JJ had given her, and she hoped that JJ took her up on it.

"I-" JJ's voice broke off. The truth was yes, but was that unfair to put on Emily?

"I want to stay," Emily said quickly trying to erase any doubt her friend may have. She knew she definitely had worries when JJ was giving her comfort. "But will you let me?"

JJ stopped for a moment, chewing her bottom lip. "Yes."

"Then I'll stay," Emily said finally letting go of her friend's hands to pick up her coffee cup. "I'll stay as long as you need me to."


End file.
